Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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