Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
