Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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