if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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