Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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