You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
