Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Im part way to drunk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
