there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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