WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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