I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
