You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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