So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
pop tarts are not kleenex
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
