you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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