I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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