Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
nutella sex= disaster
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
