I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
