so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
