i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
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What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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