I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So much rum. So many feels.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
