Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
