I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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