I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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