Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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