Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Still dying that you shit outside
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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