yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
