i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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