I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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