Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We are all done wearing pants today
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