The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
