They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
