): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
