I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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