Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
