Duck Duck Cougar?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
