Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
