I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
