its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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