good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
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quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...