The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?