Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
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Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.