If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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