hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
