Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
