i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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