I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
