you traded sex for a burrito?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
