Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
