i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
