we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
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Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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