When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
