Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
