Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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