hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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