seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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