she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
