yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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