I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
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she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
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Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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