Your mouth is God's brothel.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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