I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
