just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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