so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
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I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
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i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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